MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT: JIMMY 09

This week the Democratic Party officially offered to put our country’s future in the hands of a inexperienced and unqualified young man simply because of his looks. Any hope for a respectable commander-in-chief was lost only days later when the Republican Party decided to put the safety of our families in a time of war into the hands of a complete stranger simply because she’s a girl person. Are we going to stand around and let the future of the United States be determined via a high school popularity contest? I hope not.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m writing this today to announce my candidacy for President of the United States.

If you are clapping, thank you, but stop it. We are supposedly at war, our economy is in trouble, and the prices of fuel continue to rise dramatically. Instead of addressing this, the major candidates call us stupid and assume we’ll make our decision based on looks. This presidential race needs to be about the issues, not who has the best sneakers.

If you have goosebumps, I sort of see why. I'd also like to announce we have started our own political party. A party that has a set of beliefs, stances, and morals that should appeal to any decent human being. In the rare case you find yourself questioning any of our partie's stances, please remind yourself you might be a scumbag. Then simply reevaluate everything you believe in and you should be all set. It sounds complicated, but we've found an 'idiot proof' method. We simply gathered some geniuses, then took all the major issues and said to them “What’s the right way to feel about that?”

Then we took their answer, and felt that way from now on. The hope is people will gradually hear about us, think about their feeling on major issues, then not feel the wrong way, and join.

Symbolically the Democrats use the donkey. The republicans use the elephant. Our party uses the strong, determined symbol of the ram. Our name derives from the term for a dominant male ram, known a the ‘tup’. We’ve also embraced the fact that this party formed as result of the other major parties losing their focus. Not us ,we are fully aware.

Therefore, I'd proudly like to introduce the: Tup-Aware Party

...if you are clapping now it's ok. Do it for a few more minutes.

THE ISSUES: CRIME

FIGHTING CRIME: Jimmy is strongly anti-crime. He has a plan to renew any laws that may soon be expiring, particularly those having to do with killing, or robbers. The robbers will have a harsh, but shorter sentence than the killers. Also he thinks we need to reevaluate or stance on the hard working Americans who were bookies. For the most part these are simply hard working, heavy set Americans who simply ‘book’ for extra money. Jimmy does not see the crime being committed when the average Joe believes his home team will succeed and he’d back his beliefs with money. Making this illegal sends the wrong message, he wants to remind Americans that faith can be rewarding. Jimmy does not, and never has had a documented gambling problem.

THE ISSUES: HEALTH CARE

HEALTH CARE: Jimmy is willing to address the fundamental problem: the rapidly rising cost of U.S. health care. He sees through the medical smoke and mirrors, and will force the medical community to educate patients on the far less expensive medicines and treatments around us that they deliberately keep quiet. The issue is particularly important, and personal to Jimmy. His parents were not wealthy, and from a very small child he had to spend his time with his mother while she worked, cleaning at a local elderly hospital. Because he was forced to spend his days there the patients became like his family. To this day Jimmy refers to some patients as his greatest mentor, teacher, or spouse. When elected Jimmy promises to still continue to lecture and share the medical knowledge he’s inherited from his experiences. He promises an acorn for every American, not only to put in their pocket to ensure a long life, but also to put in the window to keep lightning out. If Doctor’s refuse, he’ll remind American’s other simple changes we can make in our lives to avoid medical costs, changes as simple the family pet. While many families are aware of the infinite healing powers of dog saliva, they may need to be reminded the dangers of household cats as they continue to suck the breath from infants.

They sure is , runner guy. They sure is.

THE ISSUES: NIGHT

NIGHTTIME: During Jimmy’s time as a POW in Vietnam, he experienced the worst assaults on human dignity imaginable. Lucky for Jimmy, it was only a dream. A dream he had at night. Through much research, he’s seen a significant statistical different in the national crime rate when comparing the night crimes to day crimes ratio. Jimmy plans to work very closely with already successful Alaskan scientists, to gradually ‘do away’ with nighttime. Jimmy wants the innocent American, non criminal, children to ask themselves ‘Ever hear of a daymare?’ Neither has he.

THE ISSUES: THE COURTS

JUDICAL PHILOSOPHY: Jimmy believes in liberty and the Constitutional framework that safeguards our freedoms. He may not be “a hundred percent sure” but he’s pretty confident the Supreme Court has something to do with that. He also knows the overall judicial system is very complicated. He knows we as Americans have more important things to know about. He knows that’s why we have lawyers; they know the things we don’t feel like knowing, for us. As President, Jimmy will nominate judges who understand that the system and will judge everything they get their hands on. He will set a certain number of hours per day they should work, and have it add up to around 40 hours a week. That way they don’t take him too literally and work 24 hours a day and sue him for overtime, claiming “technically you did say judge everything, you never said when to stop”. Jimmy will make it clear to any wisecracking Supreme court judge, that 5 O’clock is then end of judging, unless it is VERY important.

THE ISSUES: THE WAR

IRAQ: Jimmy’s controversial, yet eye opening stance on Iraq, is probably his key to winning this election. We continuously hear other candidates argue and debate our presence ‘in Iraq’, but Jimmy wants his opponents and the government to spare the American people all the military jargon. What exactly do they mean ‘in Iraq’? Are you ‘in Iraq’? Jimmy knows he’s not. We’re constantly being persuaded to have a stance on a war we’ve yet to prove exists. Jimmy wants to challenge the politicians and families who claim to have loved ones involved to ‘man up’ and prove it. It is extremely important not to misinterpret Jimmy’s position as unpatriotic. Jimmy is very pro-troops. He believes it is strategically and morally essential for the United States to support troops. It’s a very fresh yet brave perspective that should be considered by any American. If you find his stance intimidating, or slightly unnerving, then calm down Nancy it a stance not a poisonous cobra.

THE ISSUES:SPACE EXPLORATION

SPACE PROGRAM: If you are not Jimmy, you may ask ‘Why should mankind explore space?’ ‘Why should money, time and effort be spent exploring, investigating and researching something with so few benefits?’ ‘How can we afford to spend money on space rather than people in our own country.’ If you are Jimmy, you’d see the bigger picture. Culturally nearly every successful civilization has been willing to explore. Exploration also allows resources to be located. Resources translate into power and success and survival. In a time where an alternative energy source is imperative, how can we truly afford to not know if somewhere out there the next ‘oil’ is bountiful and waiting, as it’s being defecated by some common alien horse. Space allows us to expand and succeed.

THE ISSUES: TECHNOLOGY

TECHNOLOGY: Jimmy has a broad and cohesive vision for the future of American innovation. He owns a computer of his own, and is internet savvy. Jimmy has some experience in Microsoft Word, Excel, and even plans upgrade to the latest version of windows when they invent it. His policies will provide funds for inventions. He’s committed to doing away with burdensome regulations around any robot or flying car plans, “Just get them out there” he exclaims when approached. He is an advocate of stem cell research in most areas. Jimmy is a little reserved on any talk of animal to human limb graphs, particularly with bear arms. Luckily scientists rarely have those talks.

THE ISSUES: OUR RIGHTS

2nd AMENDMENT: Jimmy believes that the right of law abiding citizens to keep bear arms is a fundamental, individual Constitutional right that we have a sacred duty to protect. Jimmy personally is very satisfied with the torso God gave him, but knows in his heart that does not give him the right to outlaw alterations for other people. He knows we have a responsibility as humans not to just go around knocking of the heads off law abiding citizens. There is no documented proof Bear arm control is factor in crimes of decapitation. Jimmy has claimed on several occasions not to be “overly concerned because the technology is years away anyway”

THIS IS THE COVER (ON STANDS NOW)

WIND STILL BREAKING

ROB LOWE FART

Celebrity Fart Watch....great title

TMZ FART TALK

Lowe Down

http://kontar2.blogspot.com/2008/05/lowe-kind-of-lifted-his-leg.html


http://www.bostonherald.com/track/inside_track/view.bg?articleid=1094399

http://www.tmz.com/2008/05/16/rob-lowe-farts-in-the-celtics-direction
http://thephoenix.com/phlog/2008/05/16/CelebrityFartWatchRobLoweHatesCelticsLovesHearthrob.aspx

Lowe blow online

Lowe Down 2

Then came:

Lowe Down 1

Oh Rob, Come on this story wrote itself.

JUGS

So yes, as you may have heard me and the JUG guys are talking about getting back together. Let me officially announce The rumors form a few years back, were more than just rumors. We had intended to reunite at the Fleetcenter, but were sadly turned down? Here is our conversation.

JUGS part 1